Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, somewhat out of the loop recently, today caught up on the news of escalating violence across the UK, when he finished work. An amazed Shuttlecock, having recently resumed the joys of cycling, (Not that that's relevant) was horrified to learn that his home town of Salford, alongside twin city, Manchester, is currently being subjected to civil disorder.
Shuttlecock explained that he feels reassured that PM David Cameron, Deputy PM Nick Clegg, and London Mayor, Boris Johnson, are rushing home to address the problem of thieving kids looting our streets and destroying our communities.
Indeed, the PM showed up in Croydon - once the fires were under control, Nick Clegg fucked about for a bit, looking distinctly uncomfortable in Peckham, and Boris Johnson went to Ealing. Whoopy fucking doo.
"Wasn't it David Cameron, who once suggested that we should all hug a hoody? While a Manchester hoody pointed a 'finger gun' at his head behind him? The posh public school dickhead wanker," Shuttlecock, in uncharacteristically mischievious mood smiled. "Be interesting to see how he'd react to that suggestion this morning."
Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne, explained that Shuttlecock isn't being intentionally frivolous, adding that he was quite upset that his home city was being looted, and that, having visited Ealing, Tottenham, Hackney, Clapham, and occasionally Manchester, he was actually quite gutted to think that the police could surrender control of the streets to a bunch of teenage thieves.
"He says 'Hug a fucking hoodie my arse!'" Anne explained. "He may well be a daft bastard, but I'm with him on this. Cameron, Clegg, and Boris Johnson are little more than uninformed and helpless spectators. It's about time some fucker got a grip."
Shuttlecock refused to comment further, as he was allegedly pumping up his bike tyres in readiness for another 'green' day at the office, providing it hasn't been fucking looted and set on fire by dickheads who don't even understand that you need a screwdriver to remove a plasma screen TV from a bookmakers shop wall, or that if you're going to loot shoes, it would look good on your CV if you got the right fucking size.
More as we get it.