Written by queen mudder
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Topics: David Cameron, Riot

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

image for Taser to spice up water cannon deployment as Cameron's flagship Hug-A-Hoodie policy bombs
The government's top Riot Tourist visited scenes of devastation today

London - Police have vowed to corral evil rioters with surgical kettling deploying electronic stun guns and water cannon combos to shock rampaging mobs.

The 50,000-volt charges are said to respond extremely well to sodden clothing and lank locks in crowds of as few as er, one.

Announcing the tough new emergency measures at a meeting of COBRA today PM David Cameron admitted regret over earlier touchy-feely policies towards the miscreants now terrorising much of the country.

Fellow Cabinet members responded by pelting the Prime Monster with bread rolls, Blackberries and bits of government property as the full extent of the appeasing U-turn became apparent.

Not even the promise of Parliament's recall for a crisis pow-wow could mollify detractors who fear violent contagion could spread to Whitehall.

Meanwhile in Tottenham troubled residents have spoken of their horror at the last few days' events.

"Bloody Nick Clegg lecturing us was the last straw," angry mother-of-six Ms Mabel Cathouse spluttered.

"Talk about bleedin riot tourism."

For details of all tonight's action download the latest App at Summer-in-the-Shitty.con.

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