London - A spate of nationwide arson attacks was being blamed today on dodgy 'bongs' similar to one that caused the 1666 Great Fire of London.
Ministry of Skunk sources issued an immediate recall of the entire 'Zomby' range of imported hookahs following intelligence gleaned by the Hubble-Bubble space telescope.
This shows rampant exploding water pipe syndrome triggered by the recent solar heatwave that caused atmospheric pressure spots over Inner City conurbations (wot dat? - Ed).
Much of this data had been previously ignored with UK red tops advising the populace last week against the use of essential oils and fragranced candles - the previous arson-related top suspects.
Those can now be ruled out as police analysis of urban 'con trails' points to the real menace of non-indigenous smoking paraphernalia.
The government's emergency response team meeting today is considering a 9pm bong hits curfew for everyone except handrolling fans and a recall of Parliament on Thursday to rush in emergency legislation banning er, stuff.
"Foreign hookahs, eh?" someone at this morning's COBRA security meeting in Downing Street demanded.
"Bring back the cat!"