Written by Rebel Not Taken
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Monday, 8 August 2011

image for Semi-naked Worthing pensioners loot Oxfam shop
Worthing looters.

Bored Worthing pensioners have caused outrage in the South Coast resort after another night of rioting and looting.

A gang of rowdy geriatrics were spotted outside the town's Oxfam Shop with piles of clothing, books and broken records strewn all over the pavement.

Ringleader, unemployed redhead Miss Marjorie Fosdyke-Spratt, who is 102, is thought to have started the looting after rummaging through unwanted donations:

"She stripped down to her bra and underpants and was trying on cardigans and skirts" said onlooker Doris Earwig.

Within minutes an unruly mob had gathered and, according to Mrs Earwig, were told by Miss Fosdyke-Spratt to "get stuck in and help yourself."

Another looter, 94 year old bingo caller Arthur Cock, who is believed to be Miss Fosdyke-Spratt's latest boyfriend, was apprehended and cautioned by local PC Eric Nonce after being observed "sorting through ladies underwear."

Mr Cock, who is disabled, had tried to limp away from the scene of the crime but was rugby tackled and bought to the ground by PC Nonce.

Cock denied "sniffing women's knickers" and told PC Nonce that he was "only looking for Cliff Richard records."

Another rioter, who was according to the Worthing Herald, "keeping lookout on his mobility scooter" was heard to shout "leg it the Old Bill is here" after PC Nonce turned up on his bicycle.

The pensioner driving the getaway vehicle has been identified as 'holidaymaker' Cyril Dither, 88, a retired judge from Bognor Regis, who is residing at the Seaview Guest House, owned by Worthing Women's Institute Vice President Edna Beckwith-Stoat.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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