Retired cinema usherette Marjorie Fosdyke-Spratt has set tongues wagging in Worthing.
Miss Fosdyke-Spratt, who is 102, was discovered under West Pier slumped over her zimmer frame with her knickers in a twist.
PC Eric Nonce feared that the pensioner had "passed away" after stumbling across her, but was shocked to discover that she had only 'crashed out' after downing a bottle of Cream Sherry and taking vitamin pills:
"We got plastered after playing Bingo in Old Worthing and it got out of hand" admitted redhead Marjorie.
Miss Fosdyke-Spratt, is believed to have been 'sleeping it off' after committing an act of gross indecency on the grass of The Marine Gardens Bowls Club.
Her sexual adventure was observed and reported to the police by shocked local Edna Stoat:
"I was adjusting my net curtains when i saw them at it" said Miss Stoat, owner of the Seaview Guest House.
Sprightly Fosdyke-Spratt admitted to "feeling frisky" after being given the 'glad eye' by Bingo Caller Arthur Cock, who is 94:
"Arthur winked at me when i told him i had acute angina" said Marjorie Fosdyke-Spratt.
But Arthur Cock, who is Vice President of the Marine Gardens Bowls Club, told PC Nonce that Miss Fosdyke-Spratt had "led him on" after winning the bottle of Cream Sherry:
"When her last number, 88 (Two Fat Ladies), was called out she started getting fruity and begged me to take her down to the beach and do her Doggy style" said Mr Cock.
After being stopped on his Mobility Scooter, Arthur Cock confessed to 'having it off' with Miss Fosdyke-Spratt at the Bowls Club.
"She couldn't get enough of it" said Arthur Cock.
"The woman is a nutter and a nympho" added Cock, who also claimed she had spiked his Mackeson with Viagra after going for a drink at the Darby and Joan Club in Old Worthing.
High Court Judge Sir Humphrey Nonce has told Miss Fosdyke-Spratt and Arthur Cock that the "moral decline of Worthing needs to be halted" and that they should be "made examples of."