Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: burnley, Amazon, frogs

Saturday, 6 August 2011

image for Endangered Amazonian Tree Frog Colony Found In Burnley Park
This One Got Nicked By The Dibble For Assault

Concerned zoologists had a good reason to be cheerful today, following the discovery of a sizable community of Amazonian tree frogs in Scott Park, in Burnley, Lancashire.

The community of thorn-spitting yellow-backed Uppenattem frogs came to the attention of the local populace when groups of glue sniffing teenagers found themselves bombarded with flying thorns in a wooded area of the park last Saturday evening.

The frogs - tree dwellers in their native Amazonia - have been on the endangered species list for twenty years, with botanists citing a decline in thorny plants as one reason for the species decline.

They rely heavily on thorny bushes, as they are carnivorous predators, who detach sharp thorns from shrubs with their powerful jaws, turn them around in their mouths and then spit them forcefully out at their intended prey.

A bit like poison darts or something.

It is widely believed that the frogs were deliberately imported by a Burnley tourist, who probably nicked them from their natural environment whilst on an all inclusive bargain break at a resort hotel up the Amazon.

"Burnley people will nick anything that isn't bolted down," German zoologist, Dr Oscar Dyckmann explained. "It's just the way they are. Even the Scousers lock their doors and windows if there are Burnley people out and about roaming free."

The group of teenagers who had ventured into Scott Park last Saturday night in order to sniff glue, drink cans of White Lightning, and hopefully cop a feel of a local slapper, had walked past the tennis courts and were en route to a secluded area of the park, when the frogs attacked.

"I wondered what the fuck were 'appenin,'" Dimitar Shufflebottom, 19, of St Matthews Street told reporters. "We were just walking through t' park, and I got hit with loads of flyin' thorns! They was everywhere. I got hit in t' neck, on me cheek, up me arms, and on me back. Hurt like a bastard it did. At first we weren't sure what were causin' it, so we frigged off sharpish. Then we saw t' frogs. Up t' trees they were, little green bastards, croaking away like fuck and spittin' thorns out like bullets. I reckon t' council should get rid on 'em, but they're probably too busy paintin' curtains and vases o' flowers on t' boarded up windows o' derelict houses. The cunts."

In rebuttal, a spokesman for Burnley Council admitted that there was a problem with thorn-spitting frogs in Scott Park, and advised residents to avoid the area.

In an emergency meeting to address the problem of the tree frogs, which ran until late into the night, councillors agreed that the best solution to the problem would be to bulldoze the entire Scott Park area flat, and then grass it over.

"We're dead good at that sort of thing," one told reporters.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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