Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Topics: Alcohol, Beer, water, drinking, Pubs,

Sunday, 7 August 2011

image for Watered Down Beer to be Introduced for Kids!
Beer for the under 25's

The British pint of beer is to be watered down from October this year. The watery pints will mostly be selling in the pubs and bars of Britain where the majority of customers are under 25 years of age, though all pubs are to be encouraged by the government to reduce the alcoholic content of their beer to some extent, especially the pints served to daytime patrons when even the more mature drinkers tend to feel the effects of a few pints more than during evening drinking sessions.

Nevertheless, for the time being at least the government thinks it unlikely that older drinkers will be passed off with watered down beer to any great extent. The government feels that by the time regular drinkers reach their mid-twenties they are too easily able to notice when their pint of beer contains rather more water than it should.

How much additional water will be mixed into the Nation's pint?

"It will vary from pub to pub, and from the different times of the day" explains the Prime Minister. " Obviously the pint of beer will not suddenly become a pint of water overnight. The watering down measures will be a gradual process with each individual pub and bar gradually learning how much water they can mix into the beer without their customers noticing."

Mr Cameron points out that many drinkers will welcome the watered down pints anyway, especially the afternoon drinkers who often underestimate the effects of the beer on them during the day.

"It can be embarrassing to stand up from one's chair fully expecting to be reasonably steady on one's feet only to find oneself falling back down onto the chair again. The watered down pints will make that a thing of the past. People will be able to sit and have a few sociable pints of beer with their friends in the knowledge that they will require no assistance in finding their way out of the pub when it's time for them to go home for their tea."

Certainly the very fact that people will need to drink significantly more pints of the watery beers in order to feel at all tipsy will mean more frequent visits to the pub's toilets, so by having to stand up from their seats more often will in turn give them many more reminders of how drunk they've become.

Nevertheless the Prime Minister acknowledges that there will always be some people determined to get themselves drunk as skunks no matter what time of day it is.

"I cannot condone it," he said, "but it would be hypocritical of me to openly condemn it. They will just have to get used to drinking more pints in order to compensate for the reduced amount of alcohol in their beer" he said.

I asked the Prime Minister whether canned and bottled beers served in our pubs and bars will also be included in the watered down measures, pointing out to him that the age group from which society would most benefit from having them drinking the watery beer - by bringing about a reduction in anti-social behaviour linked to the drinking of alcohol - also happens to be the very age group where the canned and bottled beers are so popular.

"It will require a little training of the bar staff," he explained. "But I am confident that with a little retraining of bar staff they can be taught how to open the cans and bottles out of sight from their young customers. The barmaid will simply pour some of the beer down the sink behind the bar then quickly top the can or bottle up again with some water from the tap."

Many of Britain's drinkers will be surprised to read that watered down beer is to be introduced this October. Like me they probably thought it had been introduced years ago. I'm sure I've been served watered down beer in quite a few of the pubs I've visited over the years!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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