A swingers' party at a house on Ormerod Road in Burnley resulted in chaos over the weekend, with riot police, three police dog units, two armed response vehicles and a police helicopter becoming involved in the fray.
Revellers blamed a mix up with the bowl with the car keys in it, caused by the vast majority of women revellers foregoing driving responsibilities as the event was combined with a hen party, and the vast majority of designated drivers were men.
The majority of reported complaints came from male revellers, as most of the ladies didn't seem to mind a bit of girl on girl action, but it was a different story for the men.
As male reveller, Horace Grumblevid, 24, of Ightenhill in the town explained:
"There were some right tasty lasses there, and I was dying to get cracking, me. Anyroad, I couldn't be arsed wi' watching the keys getting drawn out, so I made me way to the designated bedroom, like, got ragged off and in me pit, all sort o' primed and waiting... Just anticipating like...when I realised it were taking a while.
"Anyroad, I didn't worry too much - just sort o' chilled out waiting for some buxom lass to come and play havoc wi' me sack. But I must have dozed off or summat, coz when I woke up, there were this fat middle aged bloke wi' a big hairy arse, in me bed, wi' me! Said we might as well make most on it. I telled him to fuck right off and lamped the twat.
"I'll give him that - he weren't a soft arse. Fought like fury he did. Seems like all the other blokes there got paired off with blokes. Monumental fuck up, that. I mean, if I were gay or summat, I wouldn't have minded so much, but it's a bit offputting when you're expecting a night of heterosexual debauchery and you're confronted by a hairy ginger arse.
"It's a fucking good job I left bedside lamp on, I'll tell yer. Otherwise, who knows what might have happened. Anyroad, I got nicked by riot squad coppers - and the twats was all laughing their bollocks off. I'm up in court next week. Wish me luck.
"I think the law will be on my side. Because it's just not reet to be expectin' a damp kebab, and find yourself confronted by a five inch hot dog sausage surrounded by ginger pubes. Not reet that. No matter what tha says..."
In total, 17 males were arrested by by riot squad officers, whilst one escaped over a fence, leaving a DNA sample conveniently behind on a rusty nail.
Female reveller, Time Travelling Queen, (Not her real name, but an internet persona.) told reporters:
"It was all good for me, our kid. To be honest, I was expecting a quite mediocre boning off some ginger bastard from Cliviger with a negligable five inch cock. As it turned out, I was transported to paradise by a girl from Florence Avenue on the Stoops Estate with a tongue like a striking python. Fucking blinding she was...and then the Alsatians came in...bloody hell...I'm all shagged out now. Good and proper. I just hope our Les doesn't get more than six months, or I'll be back up Florence Avenue like a shot, and no mistake. I know what side my fucking bread's buttered on mate!"
Total havoc in Burnley.
A bit like Father's Day.
More as we get it.