Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Topics: Scotland, War, Haggis

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

image for Scotland's "War on Haggis" not working
Even pictures of deep fried food are illegal (this picture not available in Scotland)

First Minister of Scotland Jock McSporran has admitted publicly that his government's policies on controlling the country's obesity problem have not been as successful as planned. Scotland introduced a ban on deep fried produce in 2010, after the Celtic nation leapt to the top of the world table for heart disease problems.

Despite being proud to be number one for once, the Scottish government decided that the best way to combat the endemic consumption of fatty foods was to ban them. This unfortunately only led to a huge market in underground food. Often this is of poorer quality, and cut with cheap "fillers" such as porridge, cardboard and even heroin.

Jimmy McFlab is a typical addict living in Edinburgh. Every morning he goes to his local chippie and asks for some 'H' - street slang for haggis. He takes it home and using the traditional Scottish method, he warms up a spoon using a lighter then eats it.

McFlab has already been on the government cold turkey programme to wean junkies off their junk food. He had to literally eat nothing but cold turkey for a week. "It was torture," he says. "Even worse than when I had to try that methadone-tofu mix."

Part of the problem is that it is so easy to get hold of fatty foods everywhere, and there are plenty of people willing to take the risks to import it. Last month, a consignment of three tonnes of raw black pudding was seized off the coast of Berwick Upon Tweed. This was the largest haul in years, with a total street value of almost £20.

But no matter how hard the police work, the deep friers will find a way to peddle their wares. It is likely the ban will be lifted soon, to the relief of lard-lovers across Scotland.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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