In a bid to make even more money off the beleaguered British public, the ConDems have created a brad new tax: The Hedge Tax.
"We discovered that a lot of people were investing in Hedge Funds," said George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer. "Given the success of Hedge Funds, we decided that perhaps we should tax hedges too."
Under the new scheme, anybody with a hedge will liable for the new tax, with a proportional levy being applied based on height, width and length.
"We did consider taxing beech hedges at a higher rate because they're plain poncy," said Osborne. "However, in line with Conservative taxation, we do not tax the poncy any more excessively than the numpty."
News that hedges will be taxed has seen members of the public set to their hedges with a will and a hedge trimmer.
"I'm not paying bloody tax just to have hedge round me garden," said Tara Palmer-Tompkinson. "They can pee off. It's coming down."
"I'm in a quandary," said Alan Titchmarsh. "On the one hand, I'd like to avoid paying tax, but I'm proud of my hedges."
Tax Accountants may have found a loophole. It would appear that topiary is exempt from the new hedge tax. This is likely to stay the hand of many an axe and replaced it with nail scissors for that perfect fantail look.
"I am glad about that," said Titchmarsh, "I'm a dab hand with the pruning sheers. I'm thinking of making my hedge into a Noah's Ark scene."
George Osborne is upbeat, despite the sound of sawing across the country.
"I'm not worried," he said. "We passed the stump tax three weeks ago."