Written by Dogooder Dave
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Topics: Channel 4, cake

Thursday, 8 December 2005

Hailed as the funniest, most expensive televisual experiment to date, quality TV company Channel 4, have launched their new series of Cake Cadets, much to the delight of the voyeuristic viewing public of God's Own Land.

On a tight budget of only five million British pounds a team of researchers and producers scoured the refugee camps of Niger, looking for gullible, near death contestants.

Prospective candidates for this marvel of unreality programming were put through a range of carefully constructed psychometric tests to ensure that viewers could attain a state of ecstasy while watching the ritual humiliation of the participants.

Experiments included a scenario where actors drank salted urine, to persuade the prospective small screen stars, that their consumption of this elixir could bring them everlasting life. Somewhat inconveniently, a number of those tested dropped dead where they supped. After further challenges to the survivors, including persuading them to hail G8 leaders as saviours of the world and convincing others that black was white, the exercise whittled those still exhibiting crass stupidity, down to a manageable team of six.

Selection concluded, the grinning gang, were flown back to the UK, care being taken not to give them more food and water than was necessary to keep them barely alive. Touch down on England's green and pleasant lands, followed quickly with them being whisked off in curtained limousines, to an exclusive Country Club resort where filming of their fifteen minutes of fame could start with an earnest.

Viewers will be able to laugh hysterically as the former camp dwellers are dressed in raimant beyond their wildest dreams. The men will be given bowler hats and umbrellas while being suited out by the finest tailors of Saville Row. The ladies flimsy frames will be amusingly hung with haute couture from the boutiques of gay Paris.

The comically dressed mottley crew will then be led into a banqueting hall with a spread before them likely to make their eyes pop out. Concealed cameras will catch every salivation as our new pals tuck into more food than could feed a BAFTA awards ceremony after show party. Tears will roll down cheeks of armchair critics the length of the land, as the diners struggle to use the correct knife and fork, tucking napkins under their chin and using red wine glasses for white.

The climax of the show will involve whisking all the food away from under the dribbling chins of our former undernourished urchins replacing it with a Guinness World Record breaking cake. The weight of the gargantuan gateaux, will cause it's supporting table to crash dramatically to the floor spreading the room in a hail of marzipan and icing. Doors will then be locked and the Cake Cadets left to survive on the crumbs for a further nine days, while being filmed for round the clock live coverage on E4.

The experiment over and in a clever twist to ensure viewers stay hooked till the end our fattened calves will then be hustled out of their finery before being flown back to their homeland in time for Christmas to rejoin their surviving friends wondering if any of it really happened at all.

Channel 4 executives are considering an airdrop of any remaining crumbs to the Cake Cadets camp comrades, alongwith some yellow snow although an alternative plan of dropping buckets of keech on their heads is thought more likely at the time of writing.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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