Latest research from the Institute for the Mentally Challenged has shown that drinking water is terribly bad for people and should be avoided.
"We ran an experiment for three weeks," said head of Research and Money Laundering, Bev Average. "We split rats into two groups. For one group of rats we gave them an ordinary diet of rat pellets and vodka, and for the other group, we gave them tap water and for the other group we gave them top quality mineral bottled water. We had a fourth group that we gave nothing to, but they all gnawed through the bars and escaped."
What the researchers discovered has astounded the health food community. The rats on the water diet, whether bottled or straight from the tap, died after just a week, and looked skeletal, whilst the rats on a diet of rat pellets and vodka are still all alive, if slightly unable to walk in a straight line.
"This is astounding news," said Harry Barratt, who runs the Good Food Brood chain of health food shops. "We will immediately discontinue our line of healthy water and replace it with filtered vodka. We'd sell ordinary vodka, but we won't be able to mark it up significantly if we don't do something to it."
After dissection, it appears that all the rats on the water diets seemed to have suffered heart failure, and respiratory problems.
"In layman's terms," said Average, "their hearts stopped and they stopped breathing. This seems to be the fate that befalls most of our study animals. Except for the one that was eaten by it's brood mates. We put the cause of death down for that rat as 'lack of pulse'"
The message coming out of the IMC is: "Avoid water, it's a heart attack in a glass!"