Written by Nick Hobbs
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Thursday, 18 August 2011

image for Man Dies In Vicious Shed Related Attack
The 'shonkiness' of a shed caused death of neighbour.

A man died in a small Kent village last night, after being repeatedly beaten with a border spade during an argument.

The man, in his late fifties, was said to have suffered severe head trauma in the attack, which was carried out by his neighbour.

The attack was said by witnesses to be caused by a 'severe and unchecked case of shed envy' which had lasted over three years.

The pair had often been seen arguing over the fence about sheds. Topics ranged from which type of panel made a better shed wall, ply or shutter-board, and whether industry standard roofing felt was adequate to withstand Britain's worsening weather spells.

Ill-feeling finally spilled over and turned straight in to angered rage, bypassing mildly aggressive annoyance, late Tuesday evening, when Ted Fumble, 56, saw red.

Witnesses heard Fumble tell his neighbour of 15 years, Derek Cubbin, 57, that his shed was 'really badly constructed' and that he 'wouldn't be seen potting' in it.

Cubbin was said to be deeply upset by the remarks, and immediately took a verbal swipe at the 'shonkiness' of Fumble's own wooden storage facility.

Fumble was said to be 'deeply proud' of his shed, and a derogatory remark regarding the structural soundness of his erection cut him to the core. He immediately went to the aforementioned shed and returned with a small border spade.

Leaping the fence, Fumble made to attack the shed, but Cubbin, sensing the impending destructive tornado of anger, stepped between the enraged neighbour and his beloved shed.

The first swipe glanced Cubbin's head, sending him to his knees, and seizing his chance, Fumble 'went in for the kill'.

A barrage of blows ensued, only stopping when the shaft of the small gardening utensil snapped in half. Cubbin was pronounced dead on the scene by paramedics, as Fumble was led away by detectives.

He is being questioned at Medway police station, and detectives say he is showing no sign's of remorse. He does keep asking if his shed is O.K, though.

The two sheds have been humanely torched, for fear of reprisals.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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