Written by Dr Jon
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Thursday, 21 July 2011

image for Britain's Truck Drivers Bid for Fair Play
He's surely not pulling ou...oh fucking jesus!

Britain's many, many HGV drivers have today made a heartfelt appeal to the public to end the constant discrimination against their profession.

"It's not on", said Steve Bloke, a member of pro-haulage organization, The Wagons Are The Solution, "people want Ikea clocks and fresh asparagus on tap, but they never stop to think about how they get to the shop. Oh, hang on, it's rush hour, I've got to back that eighteen wheeler through a narrow gate across this busy road."

A logistics industry insiders told me that without Britain's ever increasing fleet of massive trucks, the endless supply of cheap, disposable, gaudy tat that increasingly we want delivered to our door, rather than get off our arse to buy, would simply dry up.

"It's virtually a public service" he told me, as he munched a bacon sandwich parked on some double yellows on a suburban street in Bradford, "What mate? No I don't see any fucking traffic jam! Well fuck you then! I've got my hazards on haven't I?"

British thirst for goods from abroad is almost entirely dependent on pan-European haulage
"Let's face it, we all want to fill ourselves with cheap booze, and Skol just won't do any more will it?" I was told by Lee Scrat, from the cabin of his Scandia, "it's got to have some silly name, be dirt cheap and hail from Germany at the very least."

"Now, I must concentrate, as I've got to drive in the fast lane for the next 15 minutes cos this guy's doing 1mph less than I am."

We attempted to reach the head of the drivers organization, Freight and Transport Trade Industry Employee Society, for comment, but he was out driving a big load of stone up a 1 in 3 hill just around the time the schools kick out.

What all the professionals in this hard pressed industry do agree on is clear.

"We should pay less for fuel than everyone else", both Scrat and Bloke told me "and if that doesn't happen, we'll once again spit out our dummies and have a massive disruptive sulk along a motorway, like so many overweight chain smoking toddlers."

Protesters have pointed out that the huge number of unregulated trucks on the road are destroying the tarmac, and that most of the bloody things appear neither to fit on the road, nor, apparently, allow the driver to notice any other fucker on it.

"That's bollocks", said Ken Beige, head of P.R.I.C.K. haulage. "They've all got signs on. You've seen them 'If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you' and 'This vehicle makes wide turns' That obviously makes it fine."

"Now, if you don't mind, I'm going out for a walk wearing blinkers and whirling a plank around my head."

"I'm wearing a T-Shirt that says 'I can't fucking see you and I might twat you with this plank' so it'll be alright."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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