Written by Ho Lee Crap
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Tuesday, 19 July 2011

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Royal love nest

(Si Cofant, Royal correspondent): The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have moved into their first royal residence as a married couple, an apartment in Kensington Palace. The Duchess was said to have been 'overwhelmed' when she saw it for the first time a couple of weeks ago, claims Charlie Swythyn-Swayne, one of the 26 footmen and 374 ancilliary staff appointed to serve the royal couple.

'She was absolutely giggling with joy when she clapped eyes on it' he explained. The apartment is a modest affair by royal standards, with just 72 rooms, 34 bathrooms, 15 kitchens and stabling for four thousand horses.

'It's nothing like the reaction old Fergie-lergs gave when she saw the apartment she and then husband Prince Andrew (runner-up to the throne) first moved into in '86' said Mr Swythyn-Swayne. 'Fergie was a bit of a whiner, initially - "this 24 carat gilding is too thin, that diamonte mirror is too small, where's my army?" sort of thing. She forgot where she came from' he added, 'bloody shop girl'. And where is she now? Living in a cardboard box in Central Park because they won't let her back in over here.'

The apartment, part of Kensington Palace, takes up the greater part of south-west London, stretching from Notting Hill in the north, to Earls Court in the south. Campden Hill is visible from the furthest room, which has a Holland Park postcode, and Knightsbridge to the east from the master bedroom balcony.

Apologising for their cramped conditions, her husband Prince William (son of Diana, Goddess of Public Affection) confirmed they'd be moving to a better address once the NWO 'Phase III' had been put into action and Portugal surrendered.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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