Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 19 July 2011

image for Fat Buster busted for cheating
Claire Buoyant, yesterday

Claire Buoyant has become the first person to ever be banned from Fat Busters, the weight-loss program.

"We had to ask her not to come any more," said Chief Fat Buster, Wayne Station. "She looked like she wasn't losing any weight, but each week, she weighed less and less."

Buoyant started the Fat Buster program earlier this year, weighing in at a hundred and fourteen kilogrammes (eighteen stones).

"She was really overweight," said Station. "The perfect candidate for our Fat Buster fat busting program."

For the first few weeks, Buoyant's weight actually increased. In line with Fat Buster's policy, everybody who gains weight is forced to wear the "Fatty Hat" and prance around in front of the group making mooing noises. It was obvious that Buoyant found this acutely embarrassing, but it didn't have the desired effect of making her lose weight.

Until two months ago.

"Claire came into the meeting two months ago, and she'd lost over ten kilos. Nearly two stone," said Station. "She was declared Fairy Fat Buster, and given a fairy cake treat."

Claire's whole attitude changed.

"After that, each week when she came in, she was a little bit lighter," said Station. "Never quite up to the ten kilo mark, but always losing."

A fortnight ago, Station got suspicious.

"I got suspicious a fortnight ago," Station confirmed. "She came to the meeting and weighed just over seventy kilos, which was her target weight. But if anything, she looked heavier than when she'd joined. I stopped her after the meeting, she looked eager to leave, but I made her stay behind."

Station got to the bottom of how Buoyant had managed to cheat.

"She farted," he explained. "A long fart. And all our voices got squeaky. She'd got a job at a balloon shop, and was filling herself with helium ahead of the meetings. It was getting so bad, she wasn't able to hold it in for long enough. You could say she was fart busted."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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