The Ministry of Defence has announced job cuts in the armed forces of over one hundred thousand front line men and women.
"This may sound, at first, like terrible news," said Brigadier Brian Gardener. "It's a huge number of soldiers. What we're actually doing is mainly putting a freeze on recruitment. The thing about being a soldier is the vast majority of soldiers don't want to be soldiers when they realise what being a soldier actually means. These are the soldiers that choose to leave. We barely have had to get rid of anybody. All we needed to say was 'Does anybody want to leave?' and we had our quota."
Additionally, these cuts appear to have had one positive benefit for Britain's armed forces.
"It now means that we have enough equipment to go around the remaining soldiers," said Gardener. "For years there have been complaints that we've not been protecting our soldiers by providing them with enough helmets, bullet proof vests and tanks. Guns, bombs and aircraft carriers. Knives, notepads and Apache helicopters. Well, now we do. We've got the same number of helmets and guns and stuff, but now we have enough."
"Hoo bloody ray," said squaddie Dave "Bang Bang" Church, still on the front line in Afghanistan. "I've got tonnes of equipment now, just no bloody back up. I'm here on me tod with ten helmets and a machete. Let's win the war on terror? Epic fail, I'm bloody terrified."