Prime Minister David Cameron has announced the name of the person who will become Britain's first ever Minister of Austerity. The position has been offered to and accepted by the Right Horrible Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwelly, Conservative Member of Parliament for Little Crocus-in-the-weeds, Twinkleshire.
Sir Peregrine is understood to have officially accepted the position on Saturday evening but asked the Prime Minister to delay making any official announcement until 'orftar the gorf' as he'd placed a tenner on 'That fellow Clarke at fine ords' and wanted 'to worch it orn his televizheorn' without being 'pestorred by those fwightfroly orful weeportarr chappies'.
Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwelly, 67 inherited several large coconut plantations in the Tropics following the death of his father Douglas 'Woof-Woof' Greenwelly in 1945. It was only recently revealed under the UK's Freedom of Information Act 2000 how Douglas Greenwelly, a master of disguises, had been working as a British agent during World War Two and had successfully infiltrated Germany's Nazi regime at the very highest level disguised as Adolf Hitlers pet German Shepherd dog 'Blondi' passing crucial information to the allies about the Fuhrer's war plans by howling them in a top secret code of canine sounds thought up by Greenwelly himself from the balcony of Hitlers mountain retreat The Berghof in Germany's Bavarian Alps.
Though impossible now to ever confirm it has recently been suggested by his son Peregrine that his father would not have bitten onto the suicide cyanide capsule widely believed to have been tested on Hitler's dog Blondi during the final hours in his Berlin bunker in April 1945. The common belief has been that Hitler then intended to commit suicide himself with another of the cyanide capsules. Peregrine though points out that the German dictator did not actually die from cyanide but by a bullet to his head.
Peregrine believes his father finally revealed his true identity in the Berlin bunker after realizing he was about to have a cyanide capsule placed into his mouth. He believes his father then grabbed a gun with a paw and shot Hitler dead before being killed himself by Hitler's guards.
The Minister of Austerity's main task will be to identify areas where big or even quite small savings can be made from both governmental expenditure and that of the public. To demonstrate the seriousness of the new Ministerial position Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwelly has already made a few suggestions to Mr cameron which have received the Prime Minister's approval.
From 6am tomorrow the letter 'M' will be removed from the title of all Ministerial positions so that they will instead be addressed as Inister. There is also to be a £5Om. advertising campaign during the next three months on television, radio, and billboard posters to encourage the public to buy more coconuts.
Making his first speech in the House yesterday Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwell explained to members the reasoning behind the governments latest drive,
"The coconut is known to be one of the most nutritious fruits known to man and yet the price of an average sized coconut is....well, I'm not sure how much they cost because obviously I leave that kind of thing to my butler Hudson, but I ask you to try to think here today of one thing you can usefully do with the core of a pear, or the peal of the apple. I myself have been unable to think of even one useful purpose for such.'
'The coconut shell on the other hand has a multitude of money saving uses. Saw the coconut into two. Drink the delicious milk and eat the harder endosperm fruit within. We are then left with two exceedingly smart soup dishes. Just two coconuts required to have four smart soup dishes for a family of four. The man of the house then buys another coconut, saws it into two pieces. Is he a gardener, or does his occupation entail kneeling? He has his knee pads. Or perhaps a chap requires a hat.'
'There will be here today those of you who follow the Jewish faith. Do you not wear skullcaps when you go to worship at your synagogues? What did you pay for the one you currently place upon your head when you go there? Considerably more than a coconut I should imagine. And again just one coconut produces two of the skullcaps. One for yourself, the other for perhaps a cousin who can afford to buy neither a coconut or a pear.'
'I was researching coconuts in the library earlier. I observed that the Member for the constituency of Slopslip-under-Lyme suffers with the all too common male bald patch. The coconut comes with a covering of hair-like growth. He has his toupee."
The speech. the first ever to the House by Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwelly received a five minute standing ovation from the Conservative and Liberal benches but with roars of laughter from the opposition, with the Labour member for Mineslag North calling out that the man was a nutcase just like his coconuts. The speaker demanded order and when eventually restored pointed out to the Mineslag North Member of Parliament that despite it's name the coconut is not a botanical nut but a fruit.
The Leader of the Opposition Ed Milliband was then heard to mumble something about the Minister of Austerity being both a fruit AND nut!