The Isle of Wight has tied with the Isle of Man to become England's whiniest places.
"I think it's a disgrace," said spokesperson for Tourism and Excuses, Tom Bowler. "This survey has been conducted by some Australian group who came at it from the point of view that all people in England are winging Poms."
Bowler believes that The Whinging Pom Survey Company, who conducted the survey have never even been to the Isle of Wight, although he concedes that they may have been to the Isle of Man.
"They are a bunch of moaners on the Isle of Man," said Bowler, "so they might have visited there, and confused us and them. People are always getting the two islands confused. It's just typical of foreigners. One island is much like another. Well they're wrong. The Isle of Wight is a joyous happy place full of joy and happiness."
A survey by the Isle of Wight News has discovered that Bowler's enthusiasm may be misplaced.
"I only got three responses," said Randy Falafel, the YTS Tea Boy on the paper who had been sent out to garner opinion. "Most of the people that I asked if the Isle of Wight was a moaning hotbed of whinging whiners refused to take part, telling me in a variety of ways to procreate somewhere else."
The three responses were hardly positive either. All three complained about the fact that there was an incessant stream of questionnaires being conducted on Ventnor High Street. Two of the respondees indicated that things were much better in the old days before the pen was invented, and the remaining one thought that the introduction of a ferry was a bad idea.
"I think those Aussies are right," said Falafel.