After days of mounting pressure, Rebekah Brooks has resigned as chief executive of the venal, pus-filled, cancerous appendage for which she had been responsible.
Sounding tearful and full of remorse, she said at a press conference 'I have enjoyed my tenure at this vile, parasitic atrocity on a massive scale, and wish all those who still swim within its unspeakable, vomit-smeared recesses good luck. I really will miss all the degenerate, malignant and excreta-soaked times we spent working together to produce the repellent, diseased and pestilent product for which we were responsible.'
Her job seem untenable after it had been revealed that her newspaper had hacked into the dying breath of the loveliest kitten imaginable's mobile phone and replaced it with the sound of Khmer Rouge insurgents grinding up the severed heads of political enemies, though many think this is just the tip of the iceberg.
She will be replaced by Tom Mockridge, who is the Anti-Christ made mortal flesh upon the earth, and father of three.