The perennially popular idiom "Sober as a Judge" was put under the spotlight by the Idiom Police, a lesser known division of the Literary Squad in Lincoln.
"A lot of drunk people use the phrase," said Detective Charles Loche. "We need to know how drunk they are, by examining the drunkenness levels of our judges."
To be thorough, the House of Lords were also examined by Loche's team, as it is also well known that people get as Drunk as a Lord.
"We were somewhat surprised by the results," said Loche. "Naturally, this being the Spoof, you'd expect that the Judges would all be smashed all the time, and the Lords would be tee-total."
After analysing the blood samples from thirty-five judges and over a hundred Lords (who were very willing to donate blood, if it meant they could have a free biscuit), it turns out that judges are mostly drunkards and lords are mainly tee-total.
"This was a total surprised to us," said Loche. "We expected the old wives tale to have some truth. We did discover one drunk lord, who was so drunk he did skew the average for the entire House. There was also one judge who was so sober, he now holds the record for the lowest reading ever made on a breathalyser. Perhaps the idiom is referring to the average of all judges and Lords."
As a result of this, the next time a motorist who is suspected of drink driving is stopped, if he claims to be as sober as a judge, he will still need to be breathalysed in order to determine where on the spectrum of drunkenness he falls. And if he claims to be as drunk as a lord, he could well be so drunk, he makes those around him exceed the limit.