Written by Bradford Slippers
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Topics: Golf, Factory

Tuesday, 29 November 2005

image for Golf Sale Man in Animal Gubbins
Warm Monkeys in Water Hell

An unconscious pedant survived an unplanned scare today, when a hitherto unecessary bucket was placed under the lip of his Allegro. The unnamed man (46) was collecting golf sale memorabilia at an unused tractor factory in Penge, when the scattered remains of flacid monkeys were strewn across the forecourt, narrowly missing the point.

Spaking for the Council, for free, Jeremy Hitherto did say, "This is a most regrettable series of events that have lead to this circumstance." He went on, like a leper, "under the terms of our contract with Warm Farm Animals, things like this have not been happening much at all, if at all". One eyewitness account tells of mysterious and legendary beasts and elves and warlocks and things, but it may not be entirely relevant.

In a related way, at a sausage shop in Halesworth, a flippant trog was bisected and mashed following a disruptive episode of Eastenders. The unnamed woman (32), from Upper Flange, was preserving the sanctity of Cliff Richard when a domestic boiler imparted such a wheeze that a thousand limp biscuits rained on the unfortunate dolt, causing minor cuts and bruises to be seen in the high street. Spaking for the Association of Sausages, Perambulator Askwith noted that "everything was a bit mental" in this case, as he dodged a squirrel with aplomb. "It's the first time we've seen this type of incident, and I'm sure we've never seen it before", he blurted, like a fool. The ambulance was called and the damn mare was flagelated all the way to Sidcup, where a posse of gibbons held up the shoe shop and took all the K-Swiss from the back room.

The National Archive Register of Norfolk Gubbins recorded that in 1647, much of what came to pass could be directly related to the incompetence of those concerned and that in general, there was a steady increase in the number of mad things going on that could be projected into the future, for our own children to gibber at with a pencil. Spokepersonage, Sheila Dick (90) said this: "thas right". She then went up the market to get some carrots and cracked her rib on some offal.

Resident's parking will be active from the 17th of February.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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