Written by queen mudder
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Saturday, 9 July 2011

image for 'Dowdy' Kate will never get pregnant 'by dressing like Camilla'
"If my own wife dressed like that I'd know it's time to swallow some arsenic..."

London - Frumpy clothes and mediocre dentistry are scaring off fertilization of whatever eggs are still left in the basketcase.

That's the verdict from LA tonight where Kate Middleton's glad rags were mocked by sharp-dressing celebs at a charity polo match.

Bemused crowds at the Santa Barbara Polo & Protection Racket Club gasped at the latest sartorial frock-horror.

Middleton and her po-faced husband were guests of honor at a serious fashionista sporting event.

But newly wed Kate had them gagging as she turned up decked out in a flowery crimpelene and polyster-mix A-line dress with cutesy little cap sleeves.

"Looks like the cheap end of clothing catalogs holds a fascination for this pointless young woman," LA FagHagSlagMag fashion editor Dave 'Oskar' Delarentboy moaned on his online blog today.

"It ain't stylish, it ain't sexy and if my own wife wore it I'd know it's time to swallow arsenic!"

Palace flunkies later insisted that Kate had taken high fashion tips from a variety of experts 'including Evans Outsizes (Anorexia Collection 2011/2012), British Home Snores and George @ Azda'.

But her long-sleeved gnatspissgreen shift was a dead ringer for the season's Primark Rejects loss leader and a scarlet dress 'n' coat ensemble with outsize buttons was featured in a UK Charity Shops annual bazaar....circa 1983.

Ovulation Tips for Wannabe Princesses is published by Harpy-Collins next September, price $3.99.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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