Beleaguered Downing Street staffers today promised an immediate (or as soon as we can get around to it) inquiry into the circumstances surrounding the almost legendary "Mystery Blonde" who is on the verge of attaining legendary status.
Following the discovery of an Armani jacket, a little black dress, a pair of Loboutin heels, and some Anne Summertime lingerie in a Soho S&M dungeon, Scotland Yard have announced that the heat is on the mystery blonde.
"We can't 'elp but get the himpression that this mystery blonde is taking the piss," Detective Superintendent Snapper Haddock of The Yard announced. "And we ain't tolerating it. Followin' sounds hemanating from a Soho bondage basement, orft frequented by hundercover Met old bill copper hofficers in search of heasy harrests and a possible back 'ander or two, my hofficers raided said premises, hand farnd naffink. Septin' for a Harmani jacket, a little numero noir dress an' some Froggy 'eels. Seems like she showed us a clean pair of eels too. Halong wiv some hexotic hunderwear. High can confirm that Bister Camelot his demarndin' himmediate harrests so that we can put this 'ere Mystery Blonde safely to bed. Quate franklah, hit's gittin' to be a big pain hin the harse."*
The investigation into the mysterious mystery blonde continues.
"We can but be overwhelmed by the impression that this mystery blonde is having a joke at our expense. This clearly cannot be tolerated. After hearing sounds emanating from a basement of ill repute, in the Soho area of London, officers conducted a raid, but found nothing other than some discarded clothing. The Prime Minister has decreed that we pull out all the stops in order to close the book on this mystery blonde business. Quite frankly, it's becoming tiresome."
Meanwhile, despite the best efforts of the British and US governments, the combined resources of MI6 and the CIA, along with Colonel Gaddafi's right flip-flop, investigators appear to be no nearer to solving the mystery blonde enigma, than they were two months ago.
Sources indicate that a ring of steel will be thrown around Silverstone tomorrow as the British Grand Prix gets under way.
Experts say that despite billions of dollars worth of investment, nobody will ever get to the bottom of the mystery blonde. Especially that moustachioed fat bastard US adult movie superstud.
He's got no chance.
More as we get it.