Written by IainB
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Saturday, 9 July 2011

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Henry Ulysses is looking for work as of next week after learning that his job at the UK's biggest Sunday newspaper, News of the World, has come to an end.

"It's going to be a Sadderday without a Pun Day," said Ulysses. "It'll probably be a Moan Day afterwards, too. My final headline will be 'The End of the World Is Nigh'."

The plight of the honest and innocent reporters at News International has been largely glossed over during the reporting of the story, focusing instead on the high profile cases of criminal activity, which has seen the indictment of two editors, including the press officer for the Conservative party.

"We all got the same email," said Ulysses. "It basically said 'we can't sugar coat it, you're fired'. I felt hot when I read that. The gravity of the situation was too much to bear."

"Somebody of Henry's ability won't be out of work too long," said fellow reporter, Ian O'Cent from the law desk. "I'm sure the Sun would love to attract him, or the new Sun on Sunday. Failing that, his talents could easily find a home in advertising. He can work from home and email the headlines. Generally he doesn't need to see much to have the headline pop into his head."

"I've had offers," said Ulysses. "An advertising agency in Chiswick has been in touch. They'd like me to come up with names for hairdressers and florists and the like. Blonde Dye Bleach, for example. I'm not sure it's me. I don't like it when people intentionally name shops. I don't think it's a hurdle I can clear, because I'll just want to name them all Headlines."

Ulysses does have some fond memories of working at the paper. "My favourite headline was 'Dustbin Men Found Bins Laden'," he said. "That was my headline at York Mercury that got me the job at NOTW. It allowed me to come up with headlines like 'Head Girl in Oral Row', 'Backtracking over Hackers Hacking' and 'Airline Waiters Fly in Pea-soupers'."

As headlines are Ulysses's game, he was asked what would be the headline about his own unemployment for the Spoof News article.

"Blues of the World," he said, sadly, but instantly.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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