London - In a moving statement this morning QM NewsCorpse CEO Ms Becky Redhead spoke of her 'torment' at running First Gravytrain Bank of Whopping Backhanders accounts at the core of the hacking probe.
"Frankly, it's been hell," Redhead said as a 30-strong 'Amazonian Guard' security detail stood closely by, "but a gal's gotta do what a gal's gotta do."
The slush fund is at the core of an official probe into payment irregularities similar to various parliamentary expenses scandals 'such as Cash-4-Questions'.
"Sure, it's the same Keynsian model we followed," Redhead explained, "it's just that some of the Brown envelopes might have been er, a lot, lot bigger."
Redhead remains under intense pressure to quit her dynamic media role following closure of the 160 year-old organ she molded into shape.
And rumors she had used the Gravytrain accounts 'like her personal thiefdom' were widely off the mark:
"Have you any idea what it costs to keep my glossy corkscrew curls in tip-top condition?
"But nevermind the vajazzles, the waxing lyricals, rejuvenation treatments of tired old cliches..."
This Sunday's edition of World's End News will be her last.