Sorry, Doshless of York is set to cage battle Rebekah Brooks in a televised event aimed at determining Britain's Most Loathed Red Head.
"It's bound to be an outcome that can't be predicted," boasted match organizer Simone Cowbell. "Which of these two actually is Britain's most loathed red head? I mean, for every reason to scorn one, there is an equally compelling and undeniable justification for reviling the other."
The aversion to the two is so strong, William Hill is still setting odds on the match, owing to Ferguson's dictionary championship as the new face of irrepressible, whilst Brooks' survivor skills are obviously unmatched.
"It's bound to be a real ratings bonanza," boasted Cowbell, the enterprising gal producer about town known as much for her hirsute, moobish decolletage as her valuable contributions to British electronic culture including 'e-Lynch your lying, cheating neighbour' and 'Britain's Got Trichinosis.'
"We've got all the bells and whistles lined up.... ambush cameras, hacked secrets, betrayed relations, and hidden camera buffets. Plus, for 75 p, you can vote on which one is worse! I've wanted a go at Fergie for the longest time but, really, it since the toe thing it's basically been one after the other of more of the same. However, with Rebekah not only helming but surviving such a high point in journalism, and the uncanny shared unattractiveness of herself and the Doshless, this seems like a way to teach an old dog a new trick or two. We're beside ourselves, really we are!"
The Daily Mail remains both aroused and enraged. Broadcast of Downton Abbey has been suspended indefinitely to ensure the Red Head special has aired and viewers will be content to return to normally scheduled programming.