Written by Skoob1999
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Thursday, 7 July 2011

image for "I've Got Your Fucking Number Mate!" Local Man Tells Rebekah Brooks And Andy Coulson
They Do Ron, Ron, Ron? You Still With Us? Ron?

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, having been rained off as he attempted to excavate an underground ten room extension to his family residence, took a time out in order to announce that he can quite easily dish the dirt on scandal ridden media executives, Andy Coulson and Rebekah Brooks.

So they'd better tread carefully.

Shuttlecock told Skoob News in an exclusive interview that these people can say what they like about the time he fell asleep in a drunken stupor on the stairs of a Barcelona hotel, the fact that he was a serial adulterer (although not on an allegedly Rio Ferdinand scale) in a previous marriage, or that he once inadvertently kicked a copper in the head during a fraught encounter at Burnley's Turf Moor football ground (He refused to discuss Manchester United related episodes.) because Shuttlecock claims he now has the ability to hit back. And apparently hit back hard.

"These people make me sick," he remarked. "Brooks, a violent hooligan in drink, Coulson, who worked for the Prime Minister! Let them say what they want about me. But I've got the dirt on them. And I didn't have to resort to phone hacking to do it. Hacking the families of murder victims and troops killed in action? What the fuck is that all about then? At least I can sleep at night. And I know more about them than they'd care for me to reveal in public. Let these scumbags tell the world, if they want, that I've had anal (With a woman, I must add.) and then I'll start spilling the beans."

Oh dear. Looks like Shuttlecock's on another crusade.

It'll all end it tears. It always does.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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