Written by John Butler
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Topics: Death, Vodka

Monday, 28 November 2005

image for Revealed: Best Was Allowed One Last Death-Bed Bender
Best: Footballing genius who got "hammered" on death bed

Amid the universal outpouring of grief over football legend George Best's death last week, it was revealed today that his doctor, Professor Roger Williams, authorised the hooking up of 10 bottles of vodka, 13 large ciders, and a bottle of vintage Chardonay 14% wine, to Best's veins just hours before his passing in order to give the moribund icon one last high.

At a hastily convened press conference, Prof. Williams explained, "This was done entirely in accordance with George's dying wishes. His family had handed to me last week a written contract where George stipulates that "in the event of my reaching the point of no return, I beseech my doctor to do everything in his power to get me absolutely rat-arsed for one last time". As George's chief medic, the resposiblity to intoxicate him way beyond recommended levels of alcohol consumption fell upon my shoulders".

Best's son, Calum said "I could see my father smile as the the eleventh cider made it through".

Others present said they could clearly see "George becoming visibly more at ease with himself as the intoxicants flowed through the transparent intravenous pipes like a hungry hamster negotiating a straightforward maze". Some say Best used alcohol to rid himself of his famously parylising shyness.

Bursting onto the scene for Matt Busby's Manchester United as a handsome eighteen year old with a dazzling array of ballskills, Best would later become as famous for his off the field boozing as he was for his on the field genius.

News of his one last hammered hurrah has been met with indignation among anti-alcohol groups and organ donor foundations.

Kate Regest of SNTAFFBPWNBTDTTOHTLTL (Say-No-To-Alcohol-Foundation-For-Boring-People-With-Nothing-Better-To-Do-Than-Tell-Others-How-To-Live-Their-Lives) said, "We are all very sad about Mr. Best's untimely death but what kind of example is he setting to all the other pathetic drunks trying to overcome their addiction? Are we all to give into temptation as readily? Surely it would have better for everyone if he had chosen to die in dignified sobriety".

But die in dignity he did. Prof Williams revealed that seconds before George's death he miraculously awoke, sat up, pinched one of the nurses's asses, and drunkenly mumbled, "How about it babes- me and you - in the janitors closet? C'mon, whaddya say love?", before suddenly collapsing onto his pillow again, this time into an irreversible coma.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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