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Thursday, 7 July 2011

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Resurrecting the Crusades - The Church of the Heavily Armed Christ

The Church of England, for decades branded the Tory Party at Prayer, have unveiled shocking new plans to take their form of Christianity into the 21st Century.

Not since the Crusades have a denomination decided to radicalize so thoroughly and with such alarming speed.

Canon Mike Wireboys-Acutie, heading up the new face of the CofE, told us, "For far too long we've been seen as ineffectual, out of touch and a margin of society. Enough is enough."

"I was watching a re-run of the film 'Dogma' the other night, where the Catholic Church re-brands itself as 'Catholicism Wow!', with the all new icon 'Buddy Christ', and I thought to myself, 'We can go several better than that'."

Consequently the good old CofE will henceforth be known as 'The Church of the Heavily Armed Christ'.

Mike Wireboys-Acutie says, "No more pussy-footing, wimpy, lah-di-dah, noncing, gayboy, girl-pants religion for us! We're moving into muscular Christianity!"

All regular Parishioners will be issued with AK47 automatic weapons and, instead of cosy Sunday homilies, will be trained in their deadly usage. Churches, once a bastion of peace and tranquillity, will become fortified barracks from whence legions of congregations will spill to meet out deadly judgement on sinners.

The Canon enthuses, "The Church of the Heavily Armed Christ means back to the Old Testament wrath of God. We want to see stoning in the streets, annihilation of every other 'tribe' who disagrees with our teachings, brimstone and fear poured down on the weak, the lazy, the unrepentant and the ugly. Up until now, if it wasn't for Christmas and Easter eggs, Christianity would be long gone.

We'll restore the original idea for Bishops, where they can only move diagonally when in combat.

We're going to remove all lightning rods from steeples as we feel it shows a marked lack of confidence.

We'll bring back hard drinking to fire up our people. I mean, up until now it's been a case of 'Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers'. Enough of that shit, I mean, rubbish!"

The Church of the Heavily Armed Christ will be recruiting Suicide Bombers in the next few weeks, and there are also rumours of a nuclear capability being trialed in the catacombs of Chelmsford Cathedral.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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