Written by Dr Jon
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Thursday, 7 July 2011

image for Rebekah Brooks Defended
What do I do with this thing again?

Sources close to a beleaguered Rebekah Brooks have today moved to defend the News International Executive from what they view is undue criticism

There is no evidence at all, they point out, at least no actually incontrovertible evidence like a piece of paper or a tape recording, to lend substance those wild allegations that Brooks is a jaw droppingly awful specimen who widely sanctioned the illegal harassment of hundreds of people to further her own grubby career crawling up the arsehole of an Australian by making him lots of money.

"This is purely vindictive" I was told by Kevin Pus, a close confident in tabloid circles "no one is even thinking about the many other possible explanations for this. You know, other than the one about her being an obnoxious, depraved, vicious shitbag."

"I mean, what if she was just terrible at her job and had her eye off the ball all the time? Didn't have a clue what was in the paper or how it got there. You know, wandering round like an airhead,'tum te tum, lad de da' not really getting a grip on anything or serving much purpose?"

"She is a women after all!" he chuckles.

It has also been suggested, that far from being a calculating, manipulative moral vacuum, Brooks may have just been so bloody lazy and incompetent that she preferred to swan around at parties and have lunch with David Cameron.

She was only the editor, hardly a key role, so for many years no-one would have noticed if she left all the decisions about the Newspaper to other people. People who then did some very bad things.

Because there is no doubt that a lot of very bad things were done, the News International people own. It's just that Ms Brooks just happened not to be involved in a single one of them. She was obviously somewhere else every single time.

"Would you believe it eh?" says Pus, "Phew, I bet she's thinking 'Narrow Escape!'"

Brooks was also apparently on holiday occasionally, and, as is News International Policy, the Newspaper completely changed its methods of working, its standards of practice and its audit procedure whilst she was away.

"Standard tabloid working methods" Hugh Wedley-Smear of the PCC told me "nothing unusual. Which large organizations don't suddenly snap into doing things in a completely different way when someone is in Italy for a couple of weeks? Then seamlessly revert on their return?"

"And of course, you neither discuss with the boss what might happen whilst they are away before they go, nor bother mentioning a single thing that happened during those two weeks to the boss when they get back."

"That'd be stupid!"

Other possible explanations have been advanced by her employers to explain Brooks behaviour, to counter the clearly erroneous 'she is one of the most dismally depressing pieces of crap you could imagine' theory.

These include 'The dog ate the copy of the newspaper she was editing', 'It was some big boys, but they ran off', 'It was like that when she found it' and 'no, that happened years later, she was already at The Sun by then, and that day she was busy being arrested on suspicion of assault'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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