Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, it would appear, has no time whatsoever for the Sunday redtop, 'The News Of The World' or for its editor, Rebekah Brooks.
"I'm sure the swines hacked my phone," Shuttlecock complained to anyone who would listen.
Being completely unaware of Martin Shuttlecock, or of his relevance to anything at all, the News Of The World studiously made a point of ignoring his pathetic protests.
But Shuttlecock steadfastly refused to be silenced.
"Some bastard told the wife that I bought twelve cans of beer yesterday, as opposed to the eight I usually get on special offer when I decide to have a drink," Shuttlecock whinged. "I didn't even drink most of them, but the wife went fucking ballistic when she got in from work. It had to be the News Of The World, I can't think of anybody else who'd stoop so low. And that Rebekah Brooks - didn't she once get arrested or something after attacking Phil Mitchell out of EastEnders? I don't know why they've got it in for me. I haven't even done anything. My mobile phone doesn't even work properly - it just beeps and drives me fucking mad. Something ought to be done about this if you ask me."
News International supremo, Rupert Murdoch (Roopy Baby to his chums) told Skoob Entertainment News supremo, Buffty Ginslinger, allegedly, without foundation, via the rumour mill, on the internet, using an assumed name, that he's sick and tired of Martin Shuttlecock.
"Not that tosser again," he allegedly alleged. "The prick's been hounding me for years to take him on as a cub reporter in my Wapping operation. Well, he can kiss my Australian (allegedly) arse. He's hopeless,"
When informed of Mr Murdoch's comments, Shuttlecock broke down in tears, picked up a spade and set about working on his ten room subterranean extension to his residence.
"Fuck Murdoch - the man's a cock" Shuttlecock may or may not have allegedly said.
The hole in the back garden is now nearly 13 inches deep.
More when we work out what the hell we're talking about.