A surprising new report has revealed that violent crime against journalists is not rising quite as fast as you'd expect. In fact, bizarrely, some individuals are even going out of their way to help them.
"It's true," sobbed Policeman Gary Badger, 32, after I tracked him down to his house and pestered the shit out of his wife and kids until he spoke. "I'm not proud. I saw a tabloid Journalist being beaten up the other day. I stepped in and stopped it."
Badger Admits that he:
- Did not wait around to see if there was blood because that'd then be a better story to tell in the pub.
- Did not charge money to passers by to watch or advertise.
- Did not go through the bloke's pockets after he was left moaning on the ground to see if their was anything interesting in there.
- Did not ensure he was first to rush round and tell the man's mother so he could poke a camera in her face and capture her genuine distress.
Badger has no rational excuse for this behaviour. "I mean, I hate the bloke", he told me "but I just couldn't let that happen to him. They tell me I have something called a 'conscience' and it causes me to suffer basic morality. God help me."
A local Doctor told me of a shocking case he dealt with recently.
"A News International executive was brought in", he told me in hushed tones, "having caught fire whilst using a chip pan.
"No one, not one person had filmed it on a mobile and published the spectacle to gawp at. They hadn't set up a phone line 'Should the screaming women be extinguished yes or no?' No one had even bothered with a special pull out section with graphic pictures of her injuries and a free CD.
"No, someone had competently put out the fire and dressed her wounds. She didn't even smell of piss, so they must have used bloody water!"
Media analysts are deeply concerned. Sources have told me that this is mounting evidence of the problem underlying British society, that whilst their journalist's are clear sighted, and realise that the only important thing is minting cash for rich men who don't pay tax in the UK, the British public are essentially flawed with fundamental decency and scruples.
"This is why it is very important that it the public are encouraged at all costs, to continue being told exactly what to think and what to do by their Newspapers." Said Ray Brownshoes, a former Maxwell shill who now thinks he can preach to the rest of us.
Fortunately, the average Briton, whilst quite a nice person, these days has the attention span of a gnat.
Give them a big picture of some tits and a story about the fucking X-Factor, they will soon have forgotten all this and will be handing over 20 pence pieces like so many bloody cattle.