London - Those Nazi Tories want to knee-cap scrounging geriatric layabouts who refuse to pay for local authority chemical coshing during the twilight years, a report out today has concluded.
This means a new £35,000 'bung' will be required before pesky retirees can claim access to care under proposed changes to the system.
"Years of 'getting blood out of a stone' methodology has failed," the Minister for the Senile Stuff said today.
"We need the tried and trusted system that used to work wonders during the Kray Twins' heyday - otherwise our Largactic Shuffle remedy for old folks could be declared unlawful."
The updated arrangements could see the return of door-to-door collectors back on their rounds enforcing the changes with innovative tricks of the trade.
Many of these were honed during Mrs Thatcher's Westmonster Council gerrymandering years when thousands of tenants were 'persuaded' about their housing choices.
"Sounds about right to me," a spokesperson for Cosh The Aged said today.