The Government has announced today that following an increase in suicides across Britain's railways, train operators must now apologise to its passengers for the inconvenience it causes.
Under the new Acts Of God Act, MPs have decreed that because they are personally delayed on their way to and from Westminster, train operators must apologise to all passengers when services are disrupted, even if the cause is deemed beyond their control.
MP for Haventaclue West, who can not be named due to an injunction banning us from referring to him as an MP, said:
"Well you see, we are the rulers of this small country, except where EU Law takes precedent. We therefore demand an apology every time we are delayed, whatever the cause; and therefore to ensure we are apologised to if the train operators are not aware we are there, they must do it publicly."
An amendment to the bill, suggested by Transport Minister Lord Adonis, was rejected in that MPs should notify the train operator in advance if they wished to travel so that acts of God could be precautioned against. It is believed the veto for this amendment was because of the MPs right to a private life.
Representative of the Company Formerly Known as British Rail, Fat Controller, said:
"We take the Acts of God Act and will deal with it in due course. We would like to apologise to passengers affected this morning by the fatality affecting the Great Western Mainline at Southall, which was due to an Act of God, also the tragic fatality at Havantaclue West where we believe someone who works in Government was tragically thrown in front of a train.
"We also apologise in advance for the thunderstorm currently over Southampton, the tidal wave hitting Beijing and a fire in East Grinstead that was caused by a burglar who accidentally doused himself in petrol and set himself alight.... I think that covered our liability."