Written by Dr Jon
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Tuesday, 28 June 2011

image for "Are you a twat?" to be decided by referendum.

Proponents of electoral reform were delighted today at the news that after wasting time with stuff no-one cared about like PR or AV or whatever, one of the real issues actually gripping the nation was to be decided by a plebiscite of the whole electorate.

"This is a landmark in democracy", commented Professor Maria Swinge of St Peters University of Political Philosophy (formerly Hereford Agricultural College) "we have broken down the key elements of insufferable twatdom and will put them in a series of votes to the public."

For example, the first point for deliberation on the ballot will cover the vital question of a shut lane on a motorway.

Should you, like most people, mindful of the need to keep traffic moving, and perhaps clued in by the big sign saying 'Get in Lane' diligently slow down and enter the middle lane?

Or should you, like that bloke in the silver BMW, or perhaps that other one in a rusty transit, spank down the outside lane, barging in at the very last minute and causing the traffic to grind to a complete halt, all the time staring ahead of you like you are the only fucker on the road?

Psephologists feel this is a important, and the cause of so much tight lipped fury and pathetic hand gestures that a valid majority view is clearly overdue.

Government will also seek a definitive public view on whether you should wait just thirty bloody seconds for people to get off a busy train, or, like sodding Londoners, immediately try and push your way onto an already overfull train like so many fucking cattle.

Further down the ballot, one can find matters overdue for consensus such as "Do you really have to rearrange your whole bloody handbag on the shelf of the cash machine? There is a queue down the fucking street" as well as "Is it strictly necessary to switch on your sodding mobile the second the aeroplane lands, as if not being able to yap on it for a whole 50 minutes is a deprivation of some fundamental human right, and then loudly announce your whereabouts to every single one of your moronic acquaintances?"

"I mean it's not as if you're the foreign secretary arriving for the G8 in Tokyo, is it? You are just some fat fuck from Goole on a shitty package to Crete."

That last clause, whilst not perhaps of true constitutional significance, has been inserted by the Lord Chief Justice, in consultation with the Chief Attorney.

Finally, the public will be asked to decide on playing shitty music through a tinny mobile on a bus, parking a supermarket trolley sideways across a whole aisle, cycling on the fucking pavement, and, of course, choosing to live in Hoxton.

Civil servants are said to be 'energized' by this development, and keen to extend its use to other areas of contention.

For example, in regard to a pressing controversy on the care of the elderly, Britons will soon be asked whether electric mobility scooters should be driven on the fucking road or the fucking pavement.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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