Leading education experts have today pointed out that proposed incentives to attract teachers are poorly thought through and will not work in the real world.
Unions, school governors and parent bodies have pointed out that there is no recognition in the plans for vital teaching skills such as riot control, sexual counselling, hand to hand combat, a thick skin and the patience of a fucking saint.
Instead, the plans appear to be based vaguely on what subject your degree is in, as if you'll ever get any fucking chance to talk about that in a classroom.
The sliding scale of incentive awards £20,000 to a candidate with a first, £15,000 for a 2:1 and £12,000 for a 2:2.
This means that on average, the award paid out to those tempted to go into teaching will be exactly £12,000.
Education minister Michael Gove defended the plans. "It is important to attract the right people to teaching. And by right person, I mean any dumb Muppet is ready to be continually abused, assaulted by his pupils, then assaulted by their parents, criticized by just about everyone and ready to spend all day, every day in front of a load of shitty bloody kids who are apparently only interested in sodding mobile phones."
"I for one couldn't do it. Have you seen the state of me? I look so fucking weird for a start. They'd eat me alive in there."
Academics point out that a gifted teacher can have a profound effect on a child, encouraging them to reach new heights and be fondly remembered in adult life.
They also point out that a bad teacher can be some bearded tit who just sits there talking about his new double glazing, but there you go.