The head of the new government department for analyzing statistics, Sir Arthur Dozen MP said his fresh approach to interpreting statistics would help to improve the government's popularity and make people feel safer.
He outlined how his new approach worked. By using his statistical methods he could show a 100% drop in teenage pregnancies in woman over the age of twenty. Drug related crime has dropped by 100% in the under five age group (excluding Liverpool where it has shown a slight increase)
Also showing a significant decrease was domestic violence among people living alone. The influx of Millionaire asylum seekers is at an all time low and burglary, violent crime and carjacking is now a thing of the past in the over ninety age group, (again excluding Liverpool where it is still on the rise)
The only disappointment was a drop in the number of convictions obtained by the police for criminals who gave themselves up, made full confessions and pleaded guilty. "No matter what you do"; Sir Arthur said; "the police always fuck it up"