Written by IainB
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Friday, 24 June 2011

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I wish I was unemployed so I could play golf all day

David Cameron's latest plan to get the unemployed working is to take advantage of some simple maths.

According to a recent Gallop Poll eighty-seven percent of the unemployed want to work. As part of the same Gallop Poll commissioned by Job Centre Plus, seven percent of people working wish they were not working. Remarkably, both of these numbers equate to around two and a half million people.

"What I am proposing," said Cameron to a packed classroom of five year olds, "is that we trade places between those who want to work, and those that don't."

Critics argue that this is merely trading one set of numbers for another, while leaving the original problem the same. However, Cameron doesn't think so.

"After the job trade has happened," he explained with plenty of hand gestures, "we will be left with only those people who don't want to work out of work, and everybody in work who wants to be. If the people now unemployed change their mind, well as they are obviously good at it working, they'll probably go out and find more fairly easily, which is something the unemployed have struggled to do. We won't let the unemployed change their minds."

Insiders at Downing Street have leaked that this is a two stage plan, which starts off sounding good, but ends up bad.

"The next phase is quite sinister," said Ian Cider, insider at Downing Street. "Cameron plans on introducing a new bill that will deny anybody not wanting to work any kind of social benefit. Cameron believes this will end the state benefits entirely, and raise seven billion quid right off the bat, with further savings each year."

Cider also revealed why Cameron is so hell bent on putting Britain in the Black. "Apparently his salary is linked to the deficit," said Cider. "Gordon Brown was effectively paying the country two hundred grand a year to be prime-minister. Cameron actually wants to be paid. He's already reduced the wage he pays to a mere fifty quid a month, and he wants to go further."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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