Written by Dr Jon
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Thursday, 23 June 2011

image for Britain's New Universities Show the Way
You signed up for three whole bloody years of this.

A press release, made on behalf of Britain's more recent Universities, announced that while the actual degrees from these establishments will not be of any use until the day we run out of Andrex, they are leading the field in providing plausible, if not spurious, research findings to both rolling news channels and noisy rentagobs with a an axe to grind.

"It's true," said Professor Rupert Wince of the Happy Meadow University (formerly Slough Polytechnic), "whilst Oxford, Cambridge and the Russell group were just about managing to provide research on Genetics, Quantum Mechanics, Biochemistry and Philosophy, shockingly they had completely failed to look into such vital topics such as 'Why are we eating less Smarties?', 'What are we wearing in bed?' and 'Why the fuck does anyone watch a programme with Jordan in it?'"

Wince is convinced of the positive impact of recent work. "If it wasn't for our efforts, Sky News would be forced to report on war, politics and social policy," he says "and they are shit at that."

Dr Sharon Leggings, Senior Lecturer at the University of Harmonious Contemplation (formerly Lowestoft college of Further Education) took me on a guided tour of their state of the art Artificial Intelligence Laboratory.

Using modern techniques, she informed me, it was possible for her and her team to identify multiple convincing justifications for continuing to indulge in selfish and harmful behaviour whilst blissfully ignoring the consequences: "We've worked very closely with 'The Daily Star' on this."

Harvey Sinecure, Dean of Now that's what I call the best University Ever! (formerly Llandudno Art College) told me that such work needn't stifle Academic debate.

"In fact," he comments, "quite the opposite. Our department of 'Climate Type Stuff' not only feeds the sort of hysterical doom laden conjecture about global warming that ruins your whole fucking day to the Guardian, but also supplies one-eyed rebuttals of known facts about the same subject to Tory Backbenchers and oil company shills."

Senior academics from these establishments are quick to point out the rigour with which these work is undertaken. Sir Mortimer Flimflam, Vice Chancellor of The Rolling Green Hills, Spiritual Bliss, Philosophy of Man and Nature and Academy of Science University (formerly a collection of godforsaken prefab huts outside Uttoxeter) praises all the staff at all the faculties in his establishment for their ability to rapidly identify the most asinine and knee jerk reaction to any given issue and pursue it with an inexplicable, yet clearly deeply held, sense of self importance. Recently they have offered an honoury degree to Nicky Campbell.

Critics of this work at those Universities that you haven't bloody heard of until now point out that the only reason that the research staff are involved in this activity is that they can't even get off with their own students, as the students, who are on the whole bright kids, are so deeply pissed off at finding out that they've been conned by a glossy brochure into paying through the nose for half-assed teaching in a windswept building on the outskirts of a boring new town, are not reliving the first bit of 'Brideshead Revisited' after all, and might as well have used their talents to get a job or start a business and make a bloody living.

Flimflam, Leggings and Sinecure understand the concerns about the student experience. "But let's face it," says Flimflam "they could have slaved their guts out to go to Oxbridge only to find themselves continually talked down to by the sort of obnoxious, stupid, ignorant, lazy toff who is guaranteed to get in only because his father gave the bursar a crate of crusted port. "Or," interjects Leggings, "gone to some redbrick shithole like Leeds which is so full of middle class wankers that the fact that up to press, there hasn't been a 'Bowling for Columbine' type massacre is frankly astonishing"

When asked to comment, the noted academic, critic, researcher, neurologist, humorist, opera director and sculptor Jonathan Miller, remarked "Jesus Fucking Wept."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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