Written by queen mudder
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Tuesday, 21 June 2011

image for Ratarsed Solstice Druids disturb rare Parliament Hill spider habitat
Druids ascend Hampstead Heath ahead of the arachnoid desecration

London - Drunken Druids have trashed a UNESCO-protected tube-web spider colony in North London's Parliament Hill tonight.

Annual Summer Solstice revelry descended into farce around a quarter past six, Hampstead time, just as the sun began its annual ingress into Cancer.

Heathside dogwalkers were bemused as Arch Druid Brother Morlock's sozzled suckers - er...acolytes! - invoked the Goddess of Fertility to manifest an omen.

Within minutes hundreds of creepy crawlies suddenly bolted from the undergrowth and lunged for the be-sheeted Solstice initiates.

The ensuing stampede down the Hill's slippery - albeit perfectly astrologically aligned - picnic area caused a mini landslide.

And exposed the vast labyrinthine catacombs of the female Atypus affinis species' eggs.

A local conservation officer rebuked the toxic pagans this evening and said heads would roll over the destruction of the arachnoid safe haven.

"The damage could be terminal," Prof Russell Stoat of the Wetlands & Wildlands Preservation Council commented, "it's a national heritage site, forgoodnesssakes.

"Not many people know this but this very rare tube-web - or purseweb as it is sometimes known - spider is totally indigenous to this part of NW3!

"And what's more, I have it on very good authority that a quarter of Britain's spiders have been found on Hampstead Heath!"

"Sounds like Mrs Stoat's finally turfed them out of the matrimonial spare bedroom, then," Brother Morlock advised assembled reporters.

"Wanna see a pic of some nudes in Stonehenge, hic?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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