Written by Nick Hobbs
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Topics: Local, Birds, Attacks, Seagull

Monday, 20 June 2011

image for Vicious Seaside Attack Leaves Locals 'Perturbed'
A winged beast, earlier today.

Locals in the harbour town of Brixham have been left 'seriously perturbed', say emergency service personnel, after witnessing a vicious and unprovoked attack on the quayside.

Witnesses say that an unnamed woman was eating a choc-ice whilst staring thoughtfully out to sea, when a large unidentified winged beast swooped from the heavens and viciously pecked her cheek, with it's razor-like beak.

Falling to the ground and screaming, the attack continued unabated, with the mythical creature rending and tearing with it's gnarled talons. The woman, who is tonight being comforted by friends, fought well, but the intensity of the attack was too much for her.

"She tried to defend herself," said local shopkeeper Bert Tremble "but it was fruitless. The beast just kept swooping and tearing at her. I've never seen anything of the like."

Onlookers looked on, and as they looked on the attack continued. Witnesses were too scared to get involved, for fear that they too would be scratched on the face, so they kept on looking on, but didn't help her.

After several minutes of earnest looking on, one of the onlookers looked up the local emergency services number and called for assistance.

By the time police arrived at the scene the winged beast had flown off through a gap in the clouds, leaving the woman bleeding and scared, and without an ice cream.

"We have put out a warrant for the beasts arrest," said Superintendent Dan Blail, "who we can only describe as 'birdlike', but with the amount of coast line to cover, we really have our work cut out."

"We ask locals to be vigilant, and please report anything suspicious, don't approach any winged beasts without some form of club, or baseball bat at the very least!" he continued.

"It were a fookin' seagull, you daft beggars!" screamed a local tramp, who smelled of urine, as we left the police station.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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