Written by Deafo
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Topics: suicide

Sunday, 19 June 2011

A fluorescent woman, known in her community as 'the fisherman's friend' for her unerring ability to attract flies, has reportedly committed suicide by taking her own light.

Felicity Hue, from Sweet Haven, is said to developed severe psychological problems stemming from her acquisition of a rare medical condition known as 'luministhesis' which causes the human body to radiate absorbed light in an extremely annoying way.

Police Chief Superintendent for Sweet Haven, Peter Glint, discovered Ms Hue in a crumpled heap of discarded suicide notes that had seemingly failed to pass the exacting editorial standards of her final moments.

'Its just as well she was fluorescent otherwise we would never have found her for all the bloody paper she had tossed on the floor as if in the company of the gayest of abandoners, safe in the knowledge some other mug would be picking it up.

'Literally hundreds of notes there were each giving various different reasons for her self administered demise.

'One theme that was quite prevalent however, was this thing about turning anyone who got really close to her, green with what she perceived with envy, rather than the quite innocent reflection of her affliction.

'She thought it meant they hated her. Which they generally did, but not for that reason. Ms Hue had just forgotten that she was suffering with 'luministhesis. And the fact that she was a complete and utter bitch. Despite what history will tell you, she really was a pretty dim girl.'

The girls father, Ray Hue, said he had seen a lot of himself in his deceased daughter.

'I'm a very deep sleeper, too.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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