Written by victor nicholas

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Topics: Bigfoot, burnley

Sunday, 19 June 2011

image for Burnley Man Admits Being Sasquatch
Topping claims to be Sasquatch

Mild mannered Burnley family man Alvin Topping 52 has come forward to local officials and turned himself in as the elusive Bigfoot alias the Sasquatch and Yeti.

Topping, an actuarial by trade and clean shaven, seems an unlikely candidate for Bigfoot standing five foot eight in height and weighing thirteen stone. While his feet at size twelve are somewhat large for his stature he is not surprised that he has become known as "Bigfoot" as that was his nickname throughout grade school and his teenage years.

"Well, I admit it was kind of hurtful growing up which caused me to leave in my early years and see the world where I would not be judged so cruelly. I backpacked it and tried to escape from it all as far away as I could to the wilds of North America and the Himalayas. Like most my age I had long hair and a beard. Travelling out of a backpack in far off places showers were few and far between. I am sure I was a sight but for the most part I tried to stay away from people who either tried to photograph me or ran away screaming holding their nose."

"I did my best to stay away from people while exploring the wilderness but as in my youth my large feet proved my undoing. Try as I would people were attracted to my large footprints and sought to hunt me down causing great distraction for me on what was otherwise a pleasurable tromp in the woods."

"Fortunately since my return I have managed to use my clean shaven and well groomed approach required for my occupation to throw Bigfoot hunters off my trail."

"No trouble at all since then, not too many clean shaven Sasquatches in business suits I suppose. Dead simple brilliant disguise, being polite no doubt didn't hurt as well."

While there may a the odd Sasquatch Simon Wiesenthal out there Topping is confident announcing his identity and retirement as Bigfoot will allow him to focus on his busy career and family in Burnley and season's tickets at Turf Moor.

He attributes recent Bigfoot footage as amateur hoaxes and a bit of a pun.

"Haven't had time to go out and about round the globe scaring folks much in the last little while."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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