Written by Skoob1999
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Thursday, 16 June 2011

image for Worst Feared for Anorexic Teen Following Toilet Flush Tragedy
Help! I'm Not Dead Yet!

Glastonbury man, Robin Tripp was today woefully counting the cost of a night on the town, following which, he inadvertently flushed his thirteen year old anorexic daughter down the toilet.

A senior police officer described the circumstances as a tragic accident.

The dreadful chain of events were set in motion yesterday evening, when Mr Tripp went out with a group of friends to celebrate a work colleague's birthday.

The party toured several public houses in the town before going on to the Star Of Bengal restaurant, where they tucked into king-sized portions of vindaloo curry.

The evening itself passed without incident, and a good time was had by all.

Until this morning, when disaster struck.

Mr Tripp described how he returned home at approximately one-fifteen am and went straight to bed. He went on to describe how ten pints of draught Guinness and the king-sized vindaloo left him with a hyperactive stomach, which in turn led to a fairly sleepless night.

This morning, desperate to use the toilet, Mr Tripp raced to the bathroom in a state of near panic, dropped his pyjama botttoms and commenced about his business, unaware that his thirteen year old daughter, Twiglet, who is anorexic, weighing in at a mere 73lbs was already seated on the lavatory.

"I was desperate," Mr Tripp sobbed. "Me guts was on the verge of exploding, so I rushed into the bathroom and just sort of plonked meself down, like, and got on with what I had to do. I didn't even see Twiglet, let alone register her presence. I evacuated me bowels like, cleaned up and flushed - just in time to see Twiglet's feet disappear down the drain and round the bend. I tried to grab her ankles but I was too late. She was gorn. I never even realised her was there until it was too late. If she'd have done what her mother and I told her and got some bloody grub down her neck this would never have happened. Kids eh? What can you do with 'em?"

A local fire crew arrived on the scene within minutes and proceeded to smash the bathroom up with sledgehammers in a bid to reach Twiglet, but abandoned the rescue attempt after fifteen minutes.

"She can't possibly have survived that," a senior fire officer commented. "She's almost certainly dead. Probably down the sewage works right now. If the pumps haven't chewed her remains up already."

The police are treating the case as a tragic accident, and have issued a warning to anorexic teens to make sure they lock the bathroom door - unless they want flushing down the crapper too.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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