Written by Skoob1999
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Tuesday, 14 June 2011

image for Mad Woman Denies Being A Raving Loony - Dragged Off Screaming
Barnstoneworth Magistrates Court Last Tuesday Morning

Barnstoneworth woman, Elizabeth Golightly was today remanded in protective custody for her own good, by Barnstoneworth Magistrates, after being accused by neighbours of being a raving loony.

The court heard how Ms Golightly was widely regarded in her locality as a "mad mental raving bloody lunatic" who frequently stood out in the front street, shouting, bawling, singing hymnns and waving a Chinese lantern about, whilst the sound of Whitney Houston singing 'I Will Always Love You' blasted out from her open front door at full volume.

On a continuous loop.

"She's as tapped as a bloody Playstation X button," one neighbour told the court.

Ms Golightly initially stood impassively in the dock, until one neighbour complained that she keeps posting nude photographs of herself in various revealing poses through his front letterbox, at which point she exploded, directing a torrent of expletive laden abuse at the bench, and at the public gallery.

The gist of her unseemly rant appeared to be that she absolutely understands that for some reason her neighbours have all got it in for her, adding that the joke was on them really because she was just winding them up.

After being restrained by two burly constables and a muscular vicar of the parish, Ms Golightly appeared to calm down.

Although she did commence to make a noise like a quiz show buzzer going off at intermittent intervals.

One witness testified that although nobody in the neighbourhood actually disliked her, Ms Golightly was extremely challenging in her behaviour on occasion, and that when she started ranting, singing hymnns and waving the Chinese lantern about in the early hours of the morning with Whitney Houston's 'I Will Always Love You' blasting out of her open front door on a continuous loop, people in the vicinity just weren't getting any sleep.

Another neighbour complained that since the onset of Ms Golightly's bizarre behaviour, the family cat had run away and hasn't been seen for a month.

When Presiding Magistrate, Ollie Versarmi asked Ms Golightly to present her version of events, she launched into a tirade, alleging that her neighbours hate her, and that they are trying to have her thrown in prison, or possibly killed by the Huddersfield Mafia. Probably in a drive by shooting, or a car bombing or something.

Then she started to sing Whitney Houston's 'I Will Always Love You' at the top of her voice, as she whipped her skirt up and treated the public gallery to a quick flash of her bloomers.

She concluded her testimony by saying, in a loud, clear voice:

"You're all bastards! The bloody lot of you!"

Magistrates remanded Ms Golightly in protective custody for psychiatric evaluation, and ordered that her Chinese lantern, CD player and her 'Whitney Houston's Greatest Hits' CD be confiscated and destroyed.

She was dragged off to the cells kicking and screaming like something demented.

Or possibly, POSSESSED.

By Demons or somesuch.

There was no application for bail.

The case will resume next Wednesday, stiff breezes permitting.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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