Written by Whitters
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Topics: missing

Monday, 13 June 2011

image for Missing Sussex Man Found Mutated
An artists impression of the mounted buck.

A man missing from Sussex for over 6 months has finally been found, exactly where he went missing.

The 20 year old, who has changed his name by deed poll to Giggs Rooney since disappearing, has been found alive and well at home in Chichester after mutating into a mounted buck in his living room.

The avid football fan, who has followed Manchester United since the age of 19, had begun using an off-the-shelf hair growth regimen to grow hair on the cheap, like his idol of a few months Wayne Rooney. He found that by doubling the recommended dose, he grew excessive hair, developed hooves on his hands and feet; the man also lost his voice.

When police broke into his home after he reported missing, they found a deer carcass on the floor and that his family had mounted its head to the wall, believing it to be a trophy from a hunting expedition.

The mounted buck was left in the house waiting for Mr Rooney's return, however it was not until Giggs Rooney's girlfriend returned home that she realised the similarities and raised the alarm.

Chief Constable of Sussex MisPers Mr Lucan, unable to come up with any joke or funny statement, simply said "We are Amazed."

Boring bastard.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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