Written by churchmouse
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Saturday, 11 June 2011

image for Tobogganists To Be Released Into The Wild
What-ho, Rupert!

The Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food has announced that Tobogganists are once more to be allowed to freely roam the countryside, following one of the longest recorded periods of incarceration of a minority group.

It has been over 30 years since the native British Tobogganist has been seen in the wild, following their enforced imprisonment under the 'Dangerous Sportsman Act' of 1978. Since that time, all British Tobogganists have been held in the government's secure compound on the outskirts of the unattractive town of Grantham in Lincolnshire; the site having been specially chosen for its low ceilinged accommodation and insipid views of a landscape that is not only mind-numbingly dreary, but also as flat as 'a witch's tit'.

Within the secure site, specialists have managed to change the once widely feared British Tobogganist from what was an adrenaline-fuelled, unemployable, aristocratic lunatic to what is now claimed to be a reasonably law abiding (if still somewhat unintelligent) person. This dramatic turn around is claimed to have been achieved by the use of selected breeding and controlled aversion therapy.

Not everyone however is happy with the announcement, and there have been worries that the chaos of the past; culminating in the catastrophe that was the British bob-sleigh disaster of the Helsinki Winter Olympics may once more repeat itself.

Pip Emma - Head of the National Tobogganist Re-alinement Centre, who has worked with gradient related sports offenders for the past ten years has been eager to allay the public's fears.
"Tobogganists are no longer a threat to society" she said. "I can assure everyone that when the tobogganists are released they will continue to be under strict supervision. They understand that they are not allowed outside of Lincolnshire, and they know that if they are found in possession of a tin tray or an old car bonnet they will forfeit their right to freedom."

She conceded that although it would be impossible to prevent the newly released tobogganists from gravitating towards areas of slightly sloping ground, she believed that all reasonable measures have been taken to prevent wayward tobogganists from lapsing into their old ways, including the banning of woolly hats and brightly coloured ski jackets within the county, and the electrifying of all the slides in the kiddies play areas.

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