Written by Ho Lee Crap
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Friday, 10 June 2011

image for Investigation into the investigation of Dr. David Kelly's murder announced
Artist's impression: 'Sexy dossier'

[Press Office, Number 10] The government today denied making a U-turn with regard the investigation of the brutal murder and body dumping of Dr. David Kelly, a nuclear weapons specialist and part-time Santa Claus at Debenhams.

Announcing today that an 'investigation into the investigation' would be launched, Cameron insisted that this in no way invalidated the claims he had made yesterday that such an investigation was unnecessary as 'the Hutton Inquiry had reached the correct conclusion, proving unequivocally that Kelly was a nutter who had taken his own life'.

No sheet

Rejecting allegations of a 'state cover-up', Cameron pointed out that there had been no such thing. 'The body was plainly there for all to see' he said. 'It was propped-up against a tree with no sheet over it. And later, when it was re-discovered for a second time lying face down a few yards away, there was still no sheet covering it'.

When asked why the body had appeared to have been moved, Cameron again quoted the Hutton Report, arguing that 'perhaps a dog had dragged it'.

State-sponsored murder

Since the assassination, there have been calls from a group of campaigning doctors demanding the case be re-opened. Despite this, the Attorney General said there was "no evidence" of murder.

Park life

The government scientist's body was found in woodland near his Oxfordshire home in 2003 - shortly after a BBC report revealed he had said the Labour Government's dossier, entitled 'Let's Bomb Iraq', was a crock.

The The Hutton Inquiry in 2004 (ref: Lab/Bush/MI6/CIA_Black_Ops/Cover_Up/hit/902) concluded that Kelly had killed himself by cutting a wrist though critics have argued that the report fails to explain why there was no blood at the scene and why Kelly had told his wife that he was 'just popping out for a walk and was looking forward to tucking into the shepherd's pie she had made for supper'. Similarly, no explanation has been forthcoming relating to the tyre-tracks leading from the scene, nor the sack, duct tape and rope found discarded behind the tree, nor the six bullet-sized exit wounds in the back of Dr.Kelly's head.

As guilty as sin

Neither Tony Blair nor Ex-President George W. Bush were available for comment.

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