Independent think tank NICE (the National Institute for Compulsory Equality) have today released a report which reveals the shocking difference in life expectancy in different parts of the UK.
While inhabitants of Devon can expect to be venerable Methuselahs with a life expectancy of 87, people living in downtown Glasgow barely have time to finish their deep-fried Mars bars before dropping dead at the tender age of 78.
A spokesman from NICE said, "The average UK life expectancy is very good at about 84, which is typical for Western nations. But that is not important, because there is a huge inequality gap between regions!"
The NICE report suggests a plan to reduce this life expectancy gap, with a two-pronged approach.
Firstly, anyone dying before the age of 84 will be artificially kept alive in a vegetative state on a life support machine. Modern technology and artificial hearts can do this, and although the patients will be technically brain dead, they will remain alive in a sense.
Secondly, anyone living to the age of 85 will be slaughtered humanely in a manner of their choosing.
"Only by enacting these policies can we reduce the inequality gap. And there's nothing more important that reducing inequality."